As Time goes by

Time does heal as it's been seven years today that you left me Mom. I will never stop missing or loving you, but I know you are in a better place, and someday we will be together again! I will think and pray for you as I do often. Love you......always

God's gift

As I have grown to who I am, I have learned that money does NOT buy happiness! I am not ashamed to admit the way I live because I have a roof over my head, it may not be a fancy house, but I own it and it is home. I have food on my table, I don't pay for my food, but I am lucky to have food. My car died, so I don't own a car but I have so many loved ones helping me find one, as my mechanic. I may not be married any longer very soon, but I have been given the gift of his friendship and caring and love, which I did not have before. So, yes, I feel very lucky today and very thankful. A cousin wrote me this today:
You can never truly plan your life, can you. Because life just keeps happening, no matter your plans. For me, that truth became personal when mom died. I just figured she would live to 100 as she has longevity in her family. I was not prepared her passing. And I know you weren't prepared for your mom's either. Yet life just continues to march on. I have always thought of you as a strong woman. Really. Look at your beautiful children. Both with strong, moral character. And as kind as anyone could possibly be. They got that from you. God has gifted you and you have used your gifts well.

I am me

I haven't been here in 2 months. Funny how life can change so quickly! I accomplished something I am proud of, well, actually 2 things. I published a book and went off a medicine that made me not me. I can experience happiness again, no longer flat lining as that was how it made me feel.
I made peace with my one true love......no more need be said.
I am happy, I am the person I was born to be, I am me! Thank you God for helping me survive.

Remembrance

911, From ashes we arose, we became united, we fought back, we sought justice and we became PROUD! Thank you to all our service men and women who fight to protect us. Always remember, forgive but never forget! Thinking of all the families who have lost loved ones and to all our firefighters who were there.
God Bless the U.S.A

Enlightening Experience

Went to a food bank with a friend tonight. She asked me to take a number to help her out, which I did. Anyone can go one time, however, the following week, you need to bring proof of household income. There were around 50 people. Each person chooses a ping pong ball out of a bag which contains a number. This is the order you are called to go in and choose your food. I got number 58 and my friend 62, so as I was told, we got the left overs. When it was my turn, I entered with my 2 bags, and volunteers are at each "station" telling people how many of each item they may take. First off, were green peppers(1), bag of 4 potatoes(1), onions but they were gone as were the salad mixes. 2nd station was peaches(2), plums or nectarines(2), 1/4 cantaloupe(1) and bananas(2). 3rd station, radishes, basil, half cabbage(1 of each), 4 apples(1), can of sardines(1), box of macaroni & cheese(1) and tomatoes(2). After that, you are allowed to take one "fresh" dessert(I choose little choc. donut holes) and than the breads, muffins, rolls as many as you feel you can use, they were day old.
Anyhow, I found it enlightening, that people do this for the poor and yet at the same time, with major stores donating It seemed like more non bread/produce items could of been present? Just my opinion.

Sadness/depression

Chronic Depression is an illness, a disability no different than a physical one. Society still views Depression as a mental disability where as the person is "crazy" and unfit. Sadness is never asked for, it's not willed, it hits hard and it fights hard and with SSRI's as the only drugs on the market claiming to help depression, the depressed are left without much help.

Get together

It was great to see an old friend from 35 years ago. We never had nothing to say, we reminisced and laughed for 1 1/2.....too bad it was for the wrong reasons....

Impersonal & Bitter

I am in my 50's, I own a cell phone but am seriously thinking of going back to a land line. I just don't understand the unfamilylike feelings of impersonal. I was raised writing letters by hand, calling people on the phone. I don't get phone calls anymore, I get texts. I understand they are less time consuming, but I find them to be so impersonal. Also, if "I" don't initiate the texts, I don't get them.

Than the Internet and FB. In a matter of 3 days I was told by different people that I, one, post too much game crap and it fills up their pages, two, I post melancholy music links that make me seem depressed, which I am not(I like those songs), and I post responses to people just to look good to others, and lastly that my photos look like crap.
One, was not even a friend on FB but even as strict as I have my account settings, this was still visible.I have stopped posting music, photos, game crap and any comments.

So I find myself bitter....I don't mean to see the negative in some issues but how can I not?

Goodbye to the

Goodbye to the Blue Spruce Charlie brown Tree....
Goodbye to the garage floor where we each cemented our names...
Goodbye to the lazy butt in front of the T.V.

Goodbye to the Lily I planted....
Goodbye to the back massages....
Goodbye to the manipulations

Goodbye to the Family times....
Goodbye to the secrets we shared..
Goodbye to the stink from the powder room

Goodbye to the laughs, jokes and humor....
Goodbye to the way we protected each other...
Goodbye to the belittling and hurtful jolts

Changes written sadly

One grows up family orientated, always having Aunts, Uncles & cousins around, especially holidays, it's a great way to live. Especially as an only child.

Than, you marry and try to keep the tradition going so your own children can appreciate family.

Times moves on, children age and leave home to live their own lives, the cycle rotates yet you never expected to have your soulmate leave as well, and you find yourself alone now. Memorial Day, 4th of July, they no longer include family, you go through the day as any other.

Even your birthday is just another day, very impersonal......what happened to family traditions?

Friends? One is very lucky to have them, but when your spouse does not like their spouses, you stop the get togethers and before long the friendships.

So now you find yourself all alone, but you continue to live, what else do you have? Day follows day, week follows week, someday the end will arrive and the family will be together again, that is all one has now.

Love

Love is so beautiful and comes in so many forms. I oftened wondered after I lost my Mother to Cancer and even my best buddy, "Boomer" why should I love again to only lose it? The loss was so difficult for me, and I have come to realize that when I do love, I truly love, with everything God gave me. This is why the pain is so hard. Even after my husband no longer wanted me and only thought of me as money owed, I could not let go of the love we shared for 28 years, because I had never stopped loving him. I now know, that love has to be twofold to be able to hold onto it. Our love is gone, and even if he felt it left years ago, to myself, it went away just recently.
I am ready to love again. No one wants to be alone, and that is what I am. My tears do not come from my loss any longer, they come for the cry of love. I want to know someone in this world loves me, not just as a supporter, or an object but as someone that will love them back with their whole heart, because when I do love, that is how I do so.

Reading

Losing oneself in a character or their surroundings is in my opinion, the best therapy for a stressful society. In writing, one needs to create that certain person we can follow and rid ourselves of everyday tasks. To romantically fantasize, or be sitting on the edge of our seats to laughing, crying and wishing the book would not end. This is a good read to me.

Favorite Authors

Some of my Favorite Authors are: Dean Koontz, Nicholas Sparks, Kat Martin, John Saul, Bentley Little, Stephen King, Stephanie Meyer, Marlys Millhiser, Tami Hoag, Shirley Jackson, Mark Twian, E.B. White, Dr. Suess, & Debbie Macomber. I truly could go on.

1946 Story from my Father

My Dad was telling me some stories today that I can say I have never heard before. He was 14 years old working with his dad in a potato field. They would sleep under ground in the potato house. There were at least 40 men working and sleeping there as well. All nationalities and races. Every day you'd have things stolen, but you were not able to take these items with you to the field, so it was expected and the men would leave as little as possible on their cots. One day, the owner told the men, even though it had rained all weekend and was pouring still, that they had to pick in the mud. All 40 men refused and walked off the job. My grandfather and father were walking down the road hoping to catch a ride and another potato owner offered them work. My dad would sit on the potato truck all day pushing potatoes so they could fit more on the truck, my grandfather would supervise the pickers. $12.00 a week between the two. Than they would walk to the Western Union and pay .75 cents to send my grandmother $10.00.
You have to love these stories, as they are passed down to another generation. Makes one wonder what stories will sound like when written in 2063 titled "2011 Story from my Father & Mother"?

New Me

Didn't think I'd make it through yesterday.
Kind of funny, I was perfectly okay.
I didn't even stop and think of you
Wow, shows me my life is but new.
Hello future world, here I come
Truly happy plus some.

Growing Old

An older gentleman once told me, "your old when you turn eighty". A child, not even a teenager yet will say twenty five is old, a teen will say thirty is old. It seems we all place an emphasis on age even from the day we know our own age. We can not wait to become a teenager, become of age to vote, than drink legally. At this point age reverses itself, as we remember when we used to get proofed, or when life was so much easier before all the responsibility. This all makes me wonder about that gentleman and when he finally did turn eighty, did he miraculously feel "old" or did he feel ninety was the true elder age? Age is all in the mind, let us all grow young on our next birthday.

Coming Home

Can you come back home? After a year of your own choice to leave. Will it be awkward? Will your family treat you as before? Will your friends look at you the same? One year can change a whole being. Looks, speech, routines, activities, and knowledge. Will you be welcomed as before? How will your own self feel? If you left for several reasons, maybe it's not meant to return. Life has moved on for everyone you knew. No one, sat and waited for your return, nor did they place their own lives on hold. Who did you think you were and who are you now? Let us live as we have done. Leave us as you left us. Do you really think you can come back home?

Separation

   She sat all alone remembering what love really meant. How the year had gone by so quickly yet, so long both at the same time. Hatred had filled her heart over his leaving, but at the same time, love still held her heart. How could both emotions effect her as so? Fate was something she always believed in, fate had played a major role in her marriage. Part of her had hope that they still belonged together, part of her held sadness that maybe it just was not meant. She holds a photograph of when they began dating as how young they both looked. The feelings of love shined through a simple snap snot but she knew at that moment in time, there really was love between them. How perfect a couple they once were, what had happened? What had caused all the arguing, the loss of passion, and the closeness?
   God grants us each one life to live, yet it is ours to choose how we live it. Marriage vows say for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer and in sickness and in health, why do some people not live these through? If a couple marries, it's out of love, when they have children, love is all a part of it. Where does the love fall down? Do the couple give up? Do they just decide it's not worth it? True love from the start, should have bonds and ties and memories strong enough to hold a marriage together.
Is it possible, boredom of one's life can allow thyself to just walk away? Can a person choose not to recall the love and happiness, the memories and just focus on the hardships? Tears form as she lies down on the bed trying so hard to recall what could of been the first cause of the beginning of separation. The memories, where should she begin looking? She yawns, and closes her eyes thinking, if only she could go back and relive this marriage, would she see what had happened? Could she have changed any of it? Would she have been able to change anything? Than as she drifts off to sleep she asks herself, would she even want to change the outcome?
© 2011 M. Kirchhoff